Stalinist Meanderings

It’s interesting to me, how Russians view Stalin. In school and at Stanford, I was generally taught that besides Hitler, Stalin was one of, if not the, most evil dictator of all time (I concede that this is a debatable statement, but for my purposes, just accept it). He caused a man-made famine during forced collectivization, resulting in millions of deaths by starvation. He sent millions to their deaths and to the gulag during the Great Terror. He was a crazy fucker who ordered executions for anyone who stood in his way. I personally cannot fathom believing that any good came out of the Stalin period.

However, it appears that I am wrong. Having spoken with two different Russians over the last couple of days about their views on Stalin, I am shocked to find that there is no clear anti-Stalinist sentiment among Russians my age. It seems to be symptomatic of a greater “Russian” tendency toward viewing the world in shades of gray. I have yet to meet a Russian who believes in “good” and “evil”. The canned answer I often hear is that there is “some good and some bad” to everyone and everything.

According to two of my Russian friends, Stalin had his positives and negatives. They claim that, although he did order executions and impose starvation on his own people, he also made the USSR the most powerful country in the world. Besides, they were quick to remind me, the Germans were responsible for at least 20 million Russian deaths, so relatively, Stalin wasn’t so bad! And he apparently did a lot for the economy (what specifically, I was not told). According to these two friends, no person is completely good or completely bad, and therefore we should not categorize Stalin as evil, per se. And don’t forget, he produced some great architecture. Most importantly, he conquered the Germans!

One of my friends pointed out that maybe what I have been taught is American propaganda. Of course, this is a possibility. America is definitely not free of propaganda; in fact, I think our sources of information are some of the most sensationalized and nationalistic in the world. On the same coin, however, I’m sure that what my friend learned was also propaganda. So which side is correct? And where is the truth? Is it somewhere between the American version and the Russian version of Stalinist history? The US and USSR did, in fact, engage in an information “war”. Our word against theirs. Although I will concede that Stalin's USSR was essentially one massive living conspiracy theory and a great, rambling machine that turned out monstrous lies, the US was guilty of its own crimes. McCarthyism, for example. And our movies. Even today, two decades after the Cold War ended, we still produce movies that are highly prejudiced against Russians. Grossly false portrayals of the Russian character are pretty common. Just watch a James Bond movie. America had, and appears to still have, a vested interest in defaming Russia and Russians.

I am reluctant, however, to buy into the Russian portrayal of Stalin. Every country has its biases. A dictator who garnered power through fear is, to me, just that: a dictator (and yes, I do qualify Bush 2 as a dictator in his own right, although certainly not on par with Stalin or Hitler). And if you have to kill millions of your own people in the name of economic growth, I’m not sure you’re ultimately “good” for your own country. Power and economic strength, but at what cost?

Nobody Likes a Cutter

Ladies and gentlemen: do you know what really pisses me off? I mean, really gets under my skin? Here it is: when Russians cut in line. Okay, well, not just Russians, but all humans. But all the humans in this country are Russian, so there. And when they cut in line, let me tell ya, I’m ready to slap a bitch.

Back in 2008, when I was studying abroad through Stanford at this hella yuppie university called the Academy of the National Economy, the Russian students cut in line at the cafeteria as if it were some rite of passage. Literally without fail, everyday at least 10 people cut in line in front of me. The fact that they were spoiled, rich, arrogant kids only made it more annoying. So while I would start out in a pretty good spot in the line, soon enough I would be at the tail end of a long-ass line that previously did not exist. That really got my goat, but back then my Russian vocabulary consisted of “hello”, “goodbye”, and “thank you”, so there wasn’t much I could do to correct the gross injustice I witnessed everyday in that warzone of a cafeteria.

But today, I put a stop to it. Today I stuck it to the man (that is, the cutting-in-line man) and said “ah hellllll nah”. Today I was feeling a little bit on the grumpy side, so I was ready to get ferocious with some Russians if need be. And, well, sure enough, there I was, standing like a good law-abiding citizen in the cafeteria line, and a group of two or three dudes cut in front of me. (The way it works is that if someone wants to cut in line, they pretend that they are extra good friends with someone up near the front, and they suddenly get all chummy, and make conversation with that person. And soon enough, they’ve finagled their way into the line. And they feel so goddamn good about themselves, having manipulated their way to the front of the line.) So when the aforementioned two or three Russian dudes were soon followed by two or three more dudes trying to cut in front of me, I wouldn’t have it. I got all indignant and, in the best Russian I could, managed to say, “Excuse me, please!” And the Russians got all freaked out by the seething little American and went to the back of the line. I felt pretty damn good about myself. Just being able to put those damn cutting Russians in their place compensated for all the times those asshole yuppie Russians at ANE cut in front of me with impunity. I mean, seriously people, who the hell cuts in line? Okay, yeah, we did that shit in elementary school, but we’re in college, kids. And you’re going to have to answer to Buff Bagot if you want to get your lunch without having to pay your waiting-in-line-like-everybody-else dues.

In other news, Vladimir Vladimirovitch continues to bite me every single day, multiple times.

WWFS? (What Would Freud Say?)

I had a strange dream last night.

I left Russia to audit some course at Stanford for a few months. It was November, I think, and I was planning to return to Russia in March. I don’t remember much about the dream, except that I was upset to be back in America and desperate to return to Russia. Weird, huh? Obviously I’ve had a serious change of heart about this country.

Who knows what the future holds for my relationship with Russia. We are madly in love with each other, but I think we also sort of hate each other. But we seem to be learning to set aside our differences and get along. Admittedly we are still in the honeymoon stage of our relationship, since I’ve only been here for two months. Soon enough, complacency will set in, and living in Russia will be just like living in the US, only more difficult. But only time will tell if Russia and I are in it for the long haul.

Meet Vladimir Vladimirovitch

My lonely days are over, it seems. I’ve finally met someone perfect for me. I never thought I would end up with a Russian man, but sometimes life hands us unexpected surprises.

His name is Vladimir Vladimirovitch (he and Vladimir Putin share the same name, which is a great sign). He’s a bit quiet, sort of nervous and even a bit twitchy. Smaller than most men. Quite sedentary. But he is very sweet, and I know he means well. I even snuck him into my dorm, which is strictly against the rules. And the best part is that he only cost me 200 rubles ($7).

All right, fine, Vladimir Vladimirovitch isn’t a man, he’s a Siberian dwarf hamster. But at this point in time, it’s my best option. I needed someone to love, and well, now I have someone to love. Although he has bitten the shit out of my fingers a number of times, I’m trying to be patient with him. I get him out of his cage several times a day to hold him and let him run around on my bed. I am hoping that this will cure his desire to draw blood out of me with his sharp little rodent teeth. I guess by purchasing a male hamster I ran the risk of dealing with an aggressive little f@#$er.

I’m a bit concerned that he is going to stink up my room, being a nasty rodent and all. If that happens, I am going to have to get rid of him. My back-up plan is to sneak him back into the pet shop and deposit him back into the hamster cage when no one is looking. Then I will try to find a mouse at another pet store (they didn’t have mice at this one). Mice don’t smell as bad as hamsters, and they’re smarter. But anyway, I’ll have to make do with what I have now. Vladimir Vladimirovitch seems to be a bit stupid, but hopefully I will find some quality in him to love. Animals are supposed to be therapeutic and improve your quality of life. And goddamnit, if Vladimir Vladimirovitch doesn’t improve my quality of life, he’s going back where he came from.

A Welcome Change of Tone

It’s about time that I finally broke the silence. It wasn’t intentional. I’m sorry. It’s just that sometimes life just takes over and I forget to write. Either that or too much happens and I can’t bring myself to focus on a particular subject matter. Directionless blog entries really bother me. That’s why I create lists. They lend a false sense of order to an otherwise chaotic, unorganized life. I have OCD, ok?

My attitude has changed a lot since my last post. Of course, I am always evolving. That’s what it is to be a human being searching for some meaning in life. My mindset has made a virtual 180 shift from a few weeks ago. I guess because I am a capricious person. But also because I have been adjusting little by little, until I finally find myself with some sense of stability and comfort with this new life. For one, I’m not afraid anymore. I still only understand about 70% of what I hear in Russian, and I still stumble over my words like a retard when I need to express myself. But I don’t feel like an alien here anymore. I feel like I live here and that I’m not just passing through. But instead of growing bored by Russia as its newness wears away, I find myself discovering things I never paid attention to before, or things I simply never understood because I was (well, and still kinda am) a stupid tourist with a weak grip on the Russian language. I am excited by Russia. I find it exhilarating. I like Russia. I’ve made Russian friends, I’ve gone out dancing, I’ve been wasted a few times. I’ve had some amazing—and more importantly, completely new—experiences. I have a daily routine, but something different and new happens everyday. Although some of this can be attributed to big-city life, much of it is due to a growing cultural awareness. This culture has so much more to offer than bumbling alcoholics, bears, borscht, and blistering cold. Its people are complex. I mean, of course I’m bordering on a dangerous generalization here, but I really feel that there is a collective Russian soul which has no American equivalent. When you talk to a Russian, you don’t just talk bullshit, and get wasted (although of course alcohol is always involved), and make stupid jokes, and engage in shenanigans. You talk life, and real problems, and real stuff. Russians aren’t afraid to breach sensitive subjects like money, illness, love, even when you’ve just met them. They are emotional and opinionated, and there is not a subject they won’t talk about. I’m not hating on America here. It’s just that, I have very few American friends that I really talk to. Some subjects are just too heavy to discuss.

At this moment in time, I am content with my life. Like any female, I often have ridiculous mood swings, and it is inevitable that I will have moments of bitchiness, insecurity, and depression in the future. But there is something about my life right now that feels right, like the planets are aligned. I feel freer than I’ve ever felt. I can choose where I go from here. I have made no decisions or commitments yet, but I am considering staying in Russia longer than I originally planned. I like it here, a lot. Of course, that may very well be because it is still exciting and exotic to me, and because I have yet to conquer the language. Once I do so, maybe I will get bored. But until then, I feel myself evolving everyday into the adult that I’m going to be. I don’t know what that adult is going to be like, but I am holding the reins and I have complete control over the ultimate outcome. I don’t know anymore what kind of career I want, and I am not even entirely sure that that’s the most important thing for me to be thinking about. If I am in the country I love (for some odd reason) and doing things that make me feel good, maybe the rest will fall into place. There are countless opportunities in Moscow for foreigners to find lucrative work, and it’s possible that I will come across something that’s perfect for me. Ultimately I just want to be doing something exciting and fulfilling that challenges me everyday. And I just want to be happy, because this is probably the only life I have. And it’s not like time is going very slowly.

I don’t know. I’ve just felt pretty good these past two weeks or so. I guess things are just falling into place, as I hoped they eventually would. Time will tell if I can maintain this sense of contentment. I’m not very accustomed to feeling like this, so I’m a bit reluctant to trust it. We’ll see.

Facing Down My Demons

Russia is forcing me to face my demons one by one, head-on. And well, the demon of the day is my future. I can only speak and think of it in vague terms for so long. Extensive education and travel have high opportunity costs, and I can’t put off thinking about my future indefinitely.

On my outing to Zvenigorod the other day with Professor Kollmann and his wife, who is also a professor, I picked both professors’ brains by asking a lot of questions that I preferred not to ask but that I knew needed to be asked. For example: Is it stupid of me to think I’ll be able to find a job in Russian area studies? What are my odds of actually getting my foot in the door at the State Department? Is a master’s degree in Russian Studies even worth anything? What if I change my mind and decide I don’t even want to do Russia anymore?

Both of them had lots of advice to give, which left me feeling both relieved and muddled at having so much information spewed in my general direction. Most importantly, at least in my opinion, they advised me to always pursue what I like and what interests me. According to Jack, if I do this, the rest will fall into place. He says that jobs and opportunities have a way of presenting themselves and/or falling into one’s lap. This was music to my ears, since it seemed to imply that I don’t really have to put forth a great effort in order for good things to happen to me.

Our discussion about the State Department was a little less reassuring. Being the idiot that I am, I just assumed (which I tend to do way more than I should) that the State Department has a “Russia office” in DC where I could sit contentedly for the rest of my life researching the country I love/hate. However, in reality (there is a great divide between my reality and the reality), I would be working for the Foreign Service, which as a rule requires that you move around between various countries and DC every two years or so. The chances that the State Department would send me to Russia are very slim. Just because I have expertise in Russian does not mean the State Department would send me to Russia or that it would even care that I specialized in Russia. The State Department does not require that its employees come in with a specialization in any area; it provides all the expertise and language skills necessary for you to work in any country. As a beginning diplomat, I would probably be sent to Africa anyway. So the bottom line is: if I want to work for the State Department, I shouldn’t even bother getting my master’s in Russian Studies or in anything else. The State Department has no hard and fast rules as to what I should have my degree in or whether I even need a master’s degree. So why should I waste all this time studying in Russia, busting my ass learning this frustrating language, and then spend another two years racking up debt for a master’s degree? I could just take the Foreign Service exam now and, assuming all goes well, become a diplomat at age 23.

Another important question is whether the life of a diplomat is for me. Would I be comfortable uprooting myself and traveling to a new place every couple of years? What if I wanted to start a family? I know it’s a little early to think about that, but I do have to consider these things, since my career choice will have a long-term impact on my life.

The older I get and the more deeply entrenched I become in this Russia stuff, the more serious the question becomes of just what my job prospects are. I get the feeling that I am soon to reach a point of no return. I’m investing a lot of time and money in this Russia thing, and I can’t just turn around and say to hell with it if I get cold feet. Like I said, the opportunity costs are getting higher and higher as time wears on, and I’ve got to start thinking seriously about my future. Professor Kollmann said that I can’t go wrong if I continue to follow my heart. I hope he’s right.

On another note, I’ve been thinking lately about by educational trajectory since high school. As a high schooler aspiring to go to Stanford, I was incredibly idealistic and exasperatingly naïve. I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to do in life, but I knew that I wanted to be great and do great things. I wanted to change the world. I felt that I could do anything, if only the powers that be would let me into Stanford so I could do my thing. I wanted to heal the sick, feed the hungry, eliminate corruption, inform the ignorant, blah blah blah.

Now, I know that I am a Negative Nancy and that I hate on myself way more than I should. I know that I have done some really awesome things in my short time on earth and that I have an exciting, challenging, enviable life. But I can’t avoid looking at myself with a critical eye. Here I am, Buff Bagot, 23 years old, the dreamer who left Ark City promising great things, in the former Soviet Union, chasing an impossible dream, still not sure of just where she’s going in life. I majored in International Relations thinking I would work for the UN, promoting world peace, doing great things. Then I said to hell with the rest of the world, it’s all Russia Russia Russia, a country that used to be great but went to shit 20 years ago, and now it’s a weak little tadpole in the sea of global hierarchy. Put simply, I jumped onto the Russia bandwagon about 20 years too late. The Soviet Union’s dead and gone, and in its place is a struggling, nascent democracy. The end. How did I go from Buff Bagot the dreamer to Buff Bagot the Russia fiend? How is my love for Russia ever going to translate into greatness? How can I change the world if I was willing to throw it all out in favor of Russia? I have been indulging myself so much in my intellectual fantasies that I forgot my original goal: to create more good in the world. I guess the challenge is going to be finding some career that links Russia with the greater good. Or else tossing Russia out and starting again from scratch…

My Attempt at Positivity

To prove to everyone that I am capable of positivity, today’s blog post is a list of all the things I like about Russia.

1. 1. Russian history. There isn’t a part of Russian history that doesn’t fascinate me. It has a rich tsarist history rife with intrigue and drama. The history of its peasantry is very interesting as well. I attribute my fascination with the Russian peasantry to Professor Jack Kollmann, who I took a class with last year about rural religious practices in 19^th-century peasant Russia. Speaking of which, Professor Kollmann and his wife Nancy are here in Moscow for a semester for the Stanford in Moscow program. Tomorrow I am going on an outing with them to a small town called Zvenigorod, which was founded in the 12^th century and is home to some very old Orthodox churches. I’m really excited, and I promise to take lots of pictures. Anyway, don’t even get me started on Communist history, which is the granddaddy of all of my historical fascinations.

2. 2. Russian food (well, generally). Every one of my meals includes cabbage in some form, which greatly pleases me. Borscht, or beet soup, ranks as one of my top five favorite foods of all time. Pelmeni, or Russian dumplings, are sinfully delicious. Russian mushrooms are always fresh and flavorful. Blini, or Russian crepes, are also awesome. Russians also use fresh dill on most of their dishes, which adds an interesting taste that I am not accustomed to. Although Russian food is certainly not the best food I’ve ever tried, it has its highlights.

3. 3. The Moscow metro. It is one of the most beautiful and efficient in the world, and many of the metro stations were built during the Communist period, so there are lots of historical remnants everywhere I go.

4. 4. The architecture, at least from the tsarist period. You know those onion-domed churches? Those are pretty awesome. Stalin also commissioned some pretty cool buildings, like Moscow State University.

5. 5. Russian hospitality. If you go to visit a friend at her apartment, you will never go hungry or thirsty.

6. 6. Russian trains. Train as a means of transportation is very popular here. To get to St. Petersburg or other surrounding cities, it is common to take an overnight train. It is so much fun because there are little fold-out beds and also a table to sit around and chat with friends. It’s always fun to bring your own food and alcohol and have a little feast on the train. It is also common to meet other passengers on the train, strike up a conversation, and become friends. At the end of my stay in Moscow, I hope to take the Trans-Siberian railroad all the way to Vladivostok, in eastern Siberia. That will be the mother of all train rides.

7. 7. Russian honey. Honey here doesn’t just come in liquid form in a plastic bear, like in the US. Here you can buy light yellow honey, dark brown honey, honey in solid granular form, honey in a comb, and the list goes on. There is even a honey fair every year, where you can go taste test people’s homemade honey.

8. 8. Russian vodka.

9. 9. Vladimir Putin.

AllAll right, I know this is awful, but I just can’t think of anything else I like about Russia. It took me forever to come up with the list I already have. So just accept it for what it is. I tried extra hard to be positive and now I’m exhausted. I think maybe I’ll go back to bed now.