Nietzsche Would Be Disappointed In Me

I am going through another phase of self doubt, this one more acute than others for some reason. I think some of it has to do with my decision to stay in Santiago, which I am unsure whether I should regret. This quarter feels stagnant and I am experiencing an uncomfortable inertia. Of course I am learning things in my classes, but outside of class I am not growing or changing. At the beginning of the quarter one of the new students asked me what I planned on doing this quarter that I didn't do last quarter, and I was at a loss for words. What am I doing this quarter? Shouldn't I be volunteering at a homeless shelter, or teaching English, or founding an NGO, trying to prove to the world that I am worthy of my title as a Stanford student?

All of my summer plans have fallen through, as I have already iterated in past blog entries. But with time the weight of rejection is not getting lighter; it is getting heavier. Everyday it's the same question: How am I going to get into grad school if I have nothing impressive to offer on my resume? And if I don't go to grad school, what business would ever hire me? What kind of business could I even apply to with a degree in international relations? Now that my years of piddling around in college studying obscure theoretical topics are winding down, what tangible credentials do I have to show to my future graduate professors, or my future employers? While my Stanford peers are doing clinical research, or interning at prestigious firms, or getting involved in student groups, what am I doing? Dicking around in South America with nothing to show for it? I will grant it to myself that I am studious and do all of my work. But in the end, who is going to notice that?

Also, for the first time in maybe 10 months I am genuinely starting to miss my friends at Stanford. I haven't seen Elise since last June, and a lot of my other old friends have probably forgotten me and moved on. When I come back to Stanford, will I even be able to reintegrate? Will I regret having studied abroad for a year?

I am terrified. I feel that I am at a standstill and I don't know what to do about it.