Russia is forcing me to face my demons one by one, head-on. And well, the demon of the day is my future. I can only speak and think of it in vague terms for so long. Extensive education and travel have high opportunity costs, and I can’t put off thinking about my future indefinitely.
On my outing to Zvenigorod the other day with Professor Kollmann and his wife, who is also a professor, I picked both professors’ brains by asking a lot of questions that I preferred not to ask but that I knew needed to be asked. For example: Is it stupid of me to think I’ll be able to find a job in Russian area studies? What are my odds of actually getting my foot in the door at the State Department? Is a master’s degree in Russian Studies even worth anything? What if I change my mind and decide I don’t even want to do Russia anymore?
Both of them had lots of advice to give, which left me feeling both relieved and muddled at having so much information spewed in my general direction. Most importantly, at least in my opinion, they advised me to always pursue what I like and what interests me. According to Jack, if I do this, the rest will fall into place. He says that jobs and opportunities have a way of presenting themselves and/or falling into one’s lap. This was music to my ears, since it seemed to imply that I don’t really have to put forth a great effort in order for good things to happen to me.
Our discussion about the State Department was a little less reassuring. Being the idiot that I am, I just assumed (which I tend to do way more than I should) that the State Department has a “Russia office” in DC where I could sit contentedly for the rest of my life researching the country I love/hate. However, in reality (there is a great divide between my reality and the reality), I would be working for the Foreign Service, which as a rule requires that you move around between various countries and DC every two years or so. The chances that the State Department would send me to Russia are very slim. Just because I have expertise in Russian does not mean the State Department would send me to Russia or that it would even care that I specialized in Russia. The State Department does not require that its employees come in with a specialization in any area; it provides all the expertise and language skills necessary for you to work in any country. As a beginning diplomat, I would probably be sent to Africa anyway. So the bottom line is: if I want to work for the State Department, I shouldn’t even bother getting my master’s in Russian Studies or in anything else. The State Department has no hard and fast rules as to what I should have my degree in or whether I even need a master’s degree. So why should I waste all this time studying in Russia, busting my ass learning this frustrating language, and then spend another two years racking up debt for a master’s degree? I could just take the Foreign Service exam now and, assuming all goes well, become a diplomat at age 23.
Another important question is whether the life of a diplomat is for me. Would I be comfortable uprooting myself and traveling to a new place every couple of years? What if I wanted to start a family? I know it’s a little early to think about that, but I do have to consider these things, since my career choice will have a long-term impact on my life.
The older I get and the more deeply entrenched I become in this Russia stuff, the more serious the question becomes of just what my job prospects are. I get the feeling that I am soon to reach a point of no return. I’m investing a lot of time and money in this Russia thing, and I can’t just turn around and say to hell with it if I get cold feet. Like I said, the opportunity costs are getting higher and higher as time wears on, and I’ve got to start thinking seriously about my future. Professor Kollmann said that I can’t go wrong if I continue to follow my heart. I hope he’s right.
On another note, I’ve been thinking lately about by educational trajectory since high school. As a high schooler aspiring to go to Stanford, I was incredibly idealistic and exasperatingly naïve. I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to do in life, but I knew that I wanted to be great and do great things. I wanted to change the world. I felt that I could do anything, if only the powers that be would let me into Stanford so I could do my thing. I wanted to heal the sick, feed the hungry, eliminate corruption, inform the ignorant, blah blah blah.
Now, I know that I am a Negative Nancy and that I hate on myself way more than I should. I know that I have done some really awesome things in my short time on earth and that I have an exciting, challenging, enviable life. But I can’t avoid looking at myself with a critical eye. Here I am, Buff Bagot, 23 years old, the dreamer who left Ark City promising great things, in the former Soviet Union, chasing an impossible dream, still not sure of just where she’s going in life. I majored in International Relations thinking I would work for the UN, promoting world peace, doing great things. Then I said to hell with the rest of the world, it’s all Russia Russia Russia, a country that used to be great but went to shit 20 years ago, and now it’s a weak little tadpole in the sea of global hierarchy. Put simply, I jumped onto the Russia bandwagon about 20 years too late. The Soviet Union’s dead and gone, and in its place is a struggling, nascent democracy. The end. How did I go from Buff Bagot the dreamer to Buff Bagot the Russia fiend? How is my love for Russia ever going to translate into greatness? How can I change the world if I was willing to throw it all out in favor of Russia? I have been indulging myself so much in my intellectual fantasies that I forgot my original goal: to create more good in the world. I guess the challenge is going to be finding some career that links Russia with the greater good. Or else tossing Russia out and starting again from scratch…
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