It’s about time that I finally broke the silence. It wasn’t intentional. I’m sorry. It’s just that sometimes life just takes over and I forget to write. Either that or too much happens and I can’t bring myself to focus on a particular subject matter. Directionless blog entries really bother me. That’s why I create lists. They lend a false sense of order to an otherwise chaotic, unorganized life. I have OCD, ok?
My attitude has changed a lot since my last post. Of course, I am always evolving. That’s what it is to be a human being searching for some meaning in life. My mindset has made a virtual 180 shift from a few weeks ago. I guess because I am a capricious person. But also because I have been adjusting little by little, until I finally find myself with some sense of stability and comfort with this new life. For one, I’m not afraid anymore. I still only understand about 70% of what I hear in Russian, and I still stumble over my words like a retard when I need to express myself. But I don’t feel like an alien here anymore. I feel like I live here and that I’m not just passing through. But instead of growing bored by Russia as its newness wears away, I find myself discovering things I never paid attention to before, or things I simply never understood because I was (well, and still kinda am) a stupid tourist with a weak grip on the Russian language. I am excited by Russia. I find it exhilarating. I like Russia. I’ve made Russian friends, I’ve gone out dancing, I’ve been wasted a few times. I’ve had some amazing—and more importantly, completely new—experiences. I have a daily routine, but something different and new happens everyday. Although some of this can be attributed to big-city life, much of it is due to a growing cultural awareness. This culture has so much more to offer than bumbling alcoholics, bears, borscht, and blistering cold. Its people are complex. I mean, of course I’m bordering on a dangerous generalization here, but I really feel that there is a collective Russian soul which has no American equivalent. When you talk to a Russian, you don’t just talk bullshit, and get wasted (although of course alcohol is always involved), and make stupid jokes, and engage in shenanigans. You talk life, and real problems, and real stuff. Russians aren’t afraid to breach sensitive subjects like money, illness, love, even when you’ve just met them. They are emotional and opinionated, and there is not a subject they won’t talk about. I’m not hating on America here. It’s just that, I have very few American friends that I really talk to. Some subjects are just too heavy to discuss.
At this moment in time, I am content with my life. Like any female, I often have ridiculous mood swings, and it is inevitable that I will have moments of bitchiness, insecurity, and depression in the future. But there is something about my life right now that feels right, like the planets are aligned. I feel freer than I’ve ever felt. I can choose where I go from here. I have made no decisions or commitments yet, but I am considering staying in Russia longer than I originally planned. I like it here, a lot. Of course, that may very well be because it is still exciting and exotic to me, and because I have yet to conquer the language. Once I do so, maybe I will get bored. But until then, I feel myself evolving everyday into the adult that I’m going to be. I don’t know what that adult is going to be like, but I am holding the reins and I have complete control over the ultimate outcome. I don’t know anymore what kind of career I want, and I am not even entirely sure that that’s the most important thing for me to be thinking about. If I am in the country I love (for some odd reason) and doing things that make me feel good, maybe the rest will fall into place. There are countless opportunities in Moscow for foreigners to find lucrative work, and it’s possible that I will come across something that’s perfect for me. Ultimately I just want to be doing something exciting and fulfilling that challenges me everyday. And I just want to be happy, because this is probably the only life I have. And it’s not like time is going very slowly.
I don’t know. I’ve just felt pretty good these past two weeks or so. I guess things are just falling into place, as I hoped they eventually would. Time will tell if I can maintain this sense of contentment. I’m not very accustomed to feeling like this, so I’m a bit reluctant to trust it. We’ll see.
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