Contrary to my usual cravings, yesterday all I wanted in life was a mondo cheeseburger from McDonalds, probably because for the past couple of days I had only been eating oatmeal and chicken soup. I fantasized about cheeseburgers for approximately 36 hours before finally mustering up the energy to leave the dorm and go in search of one (Russia reverts us all back to the state of nature: hunting and gathering). Coincidentally, Marlena and Carolyn were already at McDonalds, so I met them there and indulged in a big ol' cheeseburger, fries, and a salad. Oh man was it good.
After that, we went over to a friend of Marlena's apartment. Marlena's friend is a girl named Tatev from Armenia, who moved to Moscow about six years ago. (A side note about Armenia in case you're not familiar with it: it's a small country next to Turkey). When we arrived at her apartment, she and her mom prepared a veritable Armenian feast for us: lots of dried fruit and nuts, Armenian coffee that Tatev spent about 20 minutes hand-grinding, bread, and some of the most delicious beef jerky I have ever tasted. DAMN was that beef jerky good. It's a shame customs doesn't allow me to bring meat from one country to another, because I would definitely stock up on that shit and bring some home for my friends to try. Anyway, Tatev and her family were incredibly hospitable. Hospitality is very, very important in Russia and the surrounding countries. You never visit another person's apartment without them serving you some sort of food and drink. That's one thing I wish we valued in America. Although Russia certainly has its issues, part of its appeal is the hospitality of its people. They are so incredibly generous, and even if they have very little, they will give it all away to you.
I was very impressed with Tatev and her family, and I am so glad I went along to Tatev's apartment. We sat and talked with Tatev and her cousin for hours about all kinds of really interesting subjects, from relationships, to marriage, to sex, to movies, to racism, to feminism. I was both shocked and fascinated by the vast cultural differences between Armenians and Americans. It made me stop and think about my own values and beliefs, which in all my 23 years I have never really thought twice about. I was always under the impression that my values, which I share with so many other Americans, were just natural. I guess I was wrong.
Take marriage, for instance. This is a subject I have come across again and again these last couple of weeks in Moscow. It is a very important issue here in Russia, and both Russian men and women (especially women) take it very seriously. In America -- and here I am generally referring to the America that Stanford represents (which I realize is a specific demographic), since my current beliefs and values were formed there -- there seems to be a general consensus that marriage is not to be rushed. I, for one, believe that a woman should develop a solid, independent foundation for herself before she marries. For me, a good marriage age would be about 28 (although I am certainly flexible), after I have finished graduate school. I have no intention of ever depending on a man, financially or emotionally. I would never marry just to marry; I have my heart set on finding the perfect fit for me, in terms of education level, interests, life goals, etc. Although love certainly matters to me, I am looking for a life partner that I mesh well with on a practical level. And that means that we have to agree on things like splitting household duties, earning income, and raising children. I do not plan on being the sole chef and maid of the house. I do not plan on serving my husband. I realize that many people will fundamentally disagree with me here, but I reject the notion of the 1950s housewife. I'm sure there are varying beliefs and values within America, but this is my personal belief, and I know Carolyn and Marlena will agree that this is generally how a university-educated American female thinks.
In Russia and also in Armenia, the complete opposite values prevail. According to Tatev, my friend Nastya, and many other Russians I have spoken with over the past couple of weeks, marriage is the single most important part of a woman's life. People here marry relatively young; the average age to marry is around 21 or 22. If a person is not married by 25, he/she is viewed as strange, and it is generally thought that something must be wrong with him/her. It is very rare to come across an unmarried 25-year-old. It is also thought that the first child should be born at age 25, at the latest. To marry at age 30 is pretty much considered an abomination. Also, at least in Armenia, a woman is expected to wait until marriage to have sex; non-virgins are considered whores and not marriageable. Women are also expected to fulfill traditional feminine roles: housewife, cook, mother, maid. A highly educated woman is unappealing and generally undesirable to a Russian or Armenian man. When I told my Russian professor that I hoped to marry only after graduate school, she told me that the longer I waited, the less choices I would have, and that too much education would make me less appealing to my candidates for future husband. After all, "no man wants a wife who is smarter than him".
I am well aware that the aforementioned values are traditional and have prevailed for most of history. I realize that my extremely progressive values are not the norm and are actually pretty strange in light of tradition. However, I did not come to fully appreciate this until yesterday, when Tatev and her cousin stared at Carolyn, Marlena, and me as if we were freaks of nature. When we said we did not want to serve our husbands, Tatev asked us, "If you do not serve your husband and expect him to clean his own dishes and cook his own food, what then is the difference between a man and a woman?" I responded, "We like to think there isn't any difference."
I know there are many anti-feminists out there who resent the feminist movement and all it entails. There are many strong believers in gender differentiation out there. What people like Carolyn, Marlena, and I stand for is not natural or even wholly accepted by society. We may not even be "right", and I'm not even sure there is a "right". But anyway, some may consider it to be "against nature" to pursue what are traditionally men's activities, but if that is the case, then I need someone to explain to me what is so wrong with going against nature.
There is this quote that I really like. I'm not sure who said it. But it goes like this: "We are the daughters of feminists who said 'You can be anything,' and we heard 'You have to be everything.'"
Anyway, the marriage conversation with Tatev and her cousin was pretty fascinating, and it was only one of many conversations I've had on the subject. In fact, after so much ado over marriage in Russia, I am starting to feel a little bit of pressure. Good thing that when I go back to America it'll be socially acceptable that I'm not married...
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