Almost All Art is Asinine

I don't like art. Try as I might, I just cannot appreciate it. I spent a good six weeks in SLE analyzing, watching movies about, staring at, discussing, shitting, eating, and breathing art, and even after all that I still don't like it. I'm sorry, all right? Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate all forms of art. Most of my hatred is channeled toward painting and sculpture (although I also hate poetry). These are forms of artistic expression that I will never understand, and sad as this may sound, I don't care to ever understand them. But I really have tried. I've been to many museums--the Guggenheim, the San Francisco Museum of Metropolitan Art, the Hermitage, the Tetryakov, etc.--but every single one of them makes me cringe. Just like anyone else, I can appreciate a pretty picture once in awhile. But other than that I am bored to tears by art museums and the like. And Shakespearean poetry, oh boy, don't even get me started. One might call me uncultured, ignorant, insensitive. In fact, every time I express my opinion regarding art, the common response is horror and/or condescending lectures about the virtues of the fine arts. But damnit, let me have my opinion. I have struggled for this elusive concept called art appreciation, and it just ain't happening.

All right, let me add a caveat. I do like Kandinsky, Diego Rivera, Rodin, pop art, and a few others. But I've seen so many fugly paintings considered to be masterpieces that are really just scribbles on a canvas, that I am beginning to wonder WTF.

One form of art that I find particularly irritating is French impressionism. First of all, painting after painting of flowers and trees and French aristocrats and shit like that gets old fast. Second of all, the concept of a bunch of little paint dots that look obscure up close but actually look like something from a distance just doesn't get me all that excited. Sorry Monet, but your dotty paintings of flowers just don't toot my horn.

I find modern art sort of intriguing, but abstract art is a big WTF for me (albeit sometimes a positive WTF). I think Picasso is pretty cool, but even his paintings start to annoy me after awhile.

The most annoying paintings, though, are still lifes. The most uninspired, pointless, uncreative art ever. Why have so many artists dedicated so much time and effort to painting fruit in a damn bowl?

Maybe I'm just a hick. Art is high society, and I'm Buff Bagot from Kansas. Whateva.