P'owned by the State Department

I am officially a professional reject. After months of anxiously waiting for a response from the State Department for a Critical Language Scholarship I applied for back in November, I have received my official "fuck off, you suck" letter. These letters are beginning to take on a character of their own. If such rejection letters were a human, they would be a bitchy woman in her mid-50s wearing a pant suit and glasses, typing away at a computer, too busy to look me in the face while she says "bitch, get out of my office, there are 5000 more kids just like you waiting in line". Oh, rejection. How compassionate you are.

All rejection letters follow a similar format. One of my favorite aspects of this format is the line that reads: "We thank you for applying to the [enter program here] and applaud your desire to [enter program activity here]. We received more than [enter outlandish number here] qualified applications for the [enter tiny number here] available scholarships". You applaud my desire? Great, that's nice. I can just picture a bunch of tight wads in business attire sitting around a long table, "applauding" my hopes and dreams. Do you know where your "applause" gets me, assholes? Nowhere. That's right. NOwhere. But anyway, thanks for applauding me. It makes me feel like a little bit less of a loser.

All right, I'll grant the fact that I wasn't particularly gung-ho about going back to Russia. It is, put simply, a miserable hemorrhoid on the ass of the earth. However, I had put a large sum of my proverbial "eggs" into the Russia "basket". I studied abroad there, learned some Russian, am minoring in Russian Studies, and even thought about going to graduate school in Russian Studies. This Critical Language Program was just one more step on the old resume/career ladder, eventually leading to a position as a Russia specialist in the U.S. government (oh, me and my silly dreams). Thank you, State Department, for reminding me how unpractical it is to dream.

Now, one might wonder why I harbor such bitterness toward the State Department. It's not just because it serves the dirty function of entrenching U.S. hegemony. Oh, no. It's simply because I've already been rejected before from the State Department. I applied for an internship there as well, to which the State Department responded "bitch, please". After two rejections, I am starting to realize that Buff Bagot was perhaps not cut out for the State Department. They are probably asking themselves, "can't she get the picture?"

Well you know what, State Department? I've got something bigger and better going for me. You know what it is? A llama farm. Okay, fine, maybe a llama farm isn't bigger or better, but it's certainly cooler.

Please, llama farm owners in Peru, please don't reject me.