Why I am Staying in Chile

People keep asking me the same question: why are you staying in Chile? To be honest, this is a question to which I don't know how to respond, because even I don't know the answer. It's not that I'm particularly in love with Chile. Aside from its uniquely Chilean idiosyncrasies, it's really not that much different from the United States. Things are slightly cheaper, the people are nicer, the language is different, the guys have mullets, there are a lot of stray dogs. But people are still discontent with their lives, they still have to get up and go to work every morning, they still get bitchy sometimes. Unlike Russia, Chile (at least for me) is not a constant struggle against difficult circumstances. I'm still the old Buff, only here I have to speak Spanish. What's more, I'm not as happy in Chile as I was in Russia. So why am I staying here until June?

Part of the reason is because I'm tired of moving around. I lived in Kansas for three months last summer, then Russia for three months, now Chile. I am tired of attempting to make a life for myself in a place, then, just when I'm starting to feel settled down, having to pack up and leave. For reasons unknown to me, I have a hard time making friends, and three months is not near long enough in my opinion to create the foundations of a meaningful friendship. Not that people don't like me or don't want to be my friend. I think I am just very wary of people and extremely aloof in social situations. It took me about two months to start warming up to the group of Stanford students here in Santiago, and within the next three weeks they are all going back to Stanford. All of the friendships I developed here will wane with time, and who knows if they will last until I come back to Stanford next September. Then, this group of Stanford students will be replaced by another group of Stanford students, none of whom I know. Surely it will be a repeat of the beginning of this quarter, when I felt extremely awkward and lost, unsure of where to start. The truth is, even though I did not feel particularly partial to the current group of students (save a select few), they have grown on me, and in the back of my mind I continually ask myself what I am going to do when they leave. But here I have gone off on a tangent.

But if I worry so much about loneliness and making friends, why do I travel? Traveling is such a lonely experience. I meet so many new people all the time, but about 95% of the time I know I will never see them again, because like me, they are just passing through. Being a nomad is extremely lonely, and one of my biggest fears is loneliness. And yet I continue to subject myself to it. This is something I don't understand.

I realize that there is something I am looking for, and that this is why I continue to travel. The problem is that I don't know what it is I'm looking for. If I went back to Stanford, at least I would be surrounded by people I know in my nice little bubble, protected from the realities of life. But even there, I feel an emptiness that I can't quite put my finger on. When I'm traveling, I am actively searching for something to fill that emptiness. Or maybe I'm just running away from something. Whatever that something is, I have not successfully escaped from it, because it follows me wherever I go. No matter where I go, Buff Bagot follows me, and there's nothing I can do to get away from her. So my only option is to deal with myself. I realize that being in another country won't make this process any easier. But for some reason I would rather deal with myself here than at Stanford.

So maybe that's why I'm staying here. Maybe it's not such a good reason to stay here, but I've made the decision and the deal has been sealed.