War of the Worlds

I'm back in Ark City for spring break, the plane ticket for which is being funded by a Stanford University loan. It feels so good to defer financial responsibility to the future. But then when I get to thinking about it, as often happens when I return to Ark City and start thinking about things while I sit in my room doing jack shit, it really doesn't feel so good. I'm sure I will kick myself a few years from now when I have to start paying off all of these loans. Then again, I'm living the kind of life I always wanted, at the expense of a few thousand dollars that shouldn't be so difficult to pay off once I have a career. As my economics professors always say, going to a top university is a long-term investment in human capital that more than pays for itself over time. Sounds great in theory. Oh, theory.

On another note, it seems that every time I come back to Ark City I feel more and more removed from this place. Of course, things with my family and cats never change, as they are my foundations. But as I get older and experience more things, I feel less able to relate to my old friends, less able to recall life before Stanford, and less able to enjoy myself here for a sustained period. Everything from the things we talk about, to the movies we like, to the type of people we interact with on a daily basis is completely different, maybe even opposite. It's like our spheres of life experience don't even overlap anymore, and we have hardly anything to say to each other. It's not that I don't love my old friends. It's just that the bonds holding us together are growing weaker, and the only thing we have in common anymore is our history together, things of the past. I suppose that is life, something that happens with anyone who moves away from their home town. But that doesn't make it any less of a strange sensation, and it certainly doesn't make me feel any less awkward.

What makes it all the more awkward is that I still don't feel completely integrated into the Stanford community. I feel suspended between the Ark City world and the Stanford world, like I don't really belong anywhere. I don't want to snub Ark City like a pretentious bitch, and I don't want to reject the Stanford community like a rich people hater (which I am). It's just that I feel like I've moved beyond the Ark City mentality, which as patronizing as it may sound, is a narrow, almost elementary mentality that I find harder to understand the older I get. My increasingly negative opinions regarding Ark City are very upsetting to me, because I don't want to become pretentious or high-minded, and I don't want to be viewed as someone who walks around with her nose in the air. Maybe with time I will be able to reconcile these conflicting feelings, but right now I am very confused. My parents want me to come home for the summer, and it's not that I don't want to spend time with them, but I don't know if I could endure living in Ark City for longer than a couple of weeks. It's like being placed in a time warp bubble or something, because absolutely nothing happens when I am here.

Ark City is not all bad. It's nice to come home and have some down time. I can spend all day reading if I want, or watching shitty dating shows on VH1, or watching movies with my parents, or spending some quality time with my girls (that is, my cats). As much as I bitch about Ark City, it's good to come touch base once in awhile and remember where I came from. The last thing I want to do is completely reject this place in favor of a pretentious, yuppy life. I may abhor goat roping hicks, but I also hate rich yuppies. Hopefully with time I will be able to reach a happy medium. But right now I have to go because it's time to watch For the Love of Ray J on VH1.